(diaryland) July 29, 2003 - 5:45 p.m.

HI!

I decided to write another novel. I like writing novels because there is nothing else to do at work.

I'm going to write this novel about a girl who has an unusual talent for painting turds of saints. Below is what I wrote today. It is the start of the book.

If you want to read my first novel, you can ask. It's very awful, though. I had this one bit where this guy got sunburnt really badly, and I got too graphic with it.

I will get too graphic in a new way with this novel. Anyway, here is my genius creation so far:

On the morning of January 25th, 1428, a beautiful naked man strode purposefully into the town of Corinsburg.

This was the very first Japanese guy to ever set foot in Corinsburg. This was the very first guy from somewhere outside eastern Saxony to set foot in Corinsburg. This was also the very first naked adult they�d ever had.

The first person to spot this guy was an old lady on the outskirts of the town who had been gathering wood since 4AM. While busy hunched over in a ditch, she felt absolute beauty pounding down her back, and sure enough, when she turned around and looked up, this guy was striding past.

When she spotted a lone snowflake beginning to melt on his left shoulder, that was it. Big tears rolled down her face and she had to stay in the ditch for the rest of the day, just to get over the whole thing.

The whole thing for her lasted only a few seconds, as the naked guy disappeared forthright through the gap in the city walls.

The gates had never been left wide open before.

The main street was just beginning to get bustling. As the beautiful naked man progressed up to the town square, a giant hubbub spread its fat fingers to the very edges of the population. There had never been a hubbub before. Some of the excitement must have come from the very fact that this was the first large-scale upset they�d experienced, but it didn�t really explain why everybody was tearing at their clothes. The Burgomeister, who happened to be hanging around the fountain at the time, even threw off his puffy hat and jumped on it, his beer gut flapping fiercely.

While this commotion occurred all because of the beautiful naked man, it was curious because a bubble of empty space surrounded him. It was as if no one was able to bear being within two-and-a-half metres of his body, even though they were furious with desire and some were even reaching out towards him as if they were on the other side of a river.

Certainly Mrs. Frieder felt this erotic repellency when the beautiful naked man finally stopped his march right on her doorstep and politely knocked on her door.

Mrs. Frieder had been having the most awful dream about swirly bright pink and orange people cut out of paper, trying to kill Mr. Frieder on his daily walk to the top of the hill at sunrise. The scary people swirled and swirled at Mr. Frieder, and he was waving his arms around over his head, and his hat got knocked off. Mrs. Frieder had never dreamed such a negative thing.

Then the knock on the door came, and Mrs. Frieder jerked awake, discovering the other side of the bed still empty.

She thought Mr. Frieder might have forgotten his key, but then the front door could only be locked on the outside, and Mr. Frieder never locked it in the mornings. She also felt an enormous sense of curiosity, mixed with sheer dread. She thought she�d better answer it.

She arranged her floppy night-bonnet and wiped her yellow teeth on the back of her hands and began striding to the door. Halfway there, an inexplicable power bent down upon her and she fell onto the floor. In order to make the rest of the way to the door, she had to crawl, clawing her fingernails into the dirty floorboards as if a diabolically strong wind was forcing her back. Pressed finally against the door, she managed to reach up and swat at the door handle.

It opened. As Mrs. Frieder crouched in a foetal position back near the bed, she managed to catch a glimpse of the naked man between her fingers. He was backlit by the morning sun, silent, unfamiliar, strapping and completely unbearable to look at directly. She also noticed a shitload of people in the town square, staring in.

The beautiful naked man snapped the fingers on his left hand, she ran toward him without any will of her own, and they made love with the door open.