(diaryland) April 17, 2005 - 5:25 p.m.

My Nana died this morning. She was a few years older than the pope was, and she went all shrivelled up just before the pope did, but she hung out way longer. Go Nana!

The most significant thing about my Nana was that she had thousands of children. She managed to populate the entire South Island of New Zealand. You wouldn't believe how many cousins I have.

She was a groovy Nana. She always would insult you relentlessly, which in New Zealand is actually a form of deep affection. She loved very tiny portions of fish and chips and also really strong mints.

My Nana smoked like maybe forty or more fags a day until she was seventy-ish, and then went for an acupuncture session, and that was that.

You couldn't touch her because she was very small so she was liable to break into thousands of tiny pieces, which she did sometimes, but she never really complained. If she tripped over and her arm went all black for a month or two, she would just make fun of herself, and then everybody would laugh about it afterwards.

She went out in style early this morning with Perry Como's greatest hits piped in through the hospital sound system especially.

Anyway, that's the story of my Nana. Now it is complete.