(diaryland) April 29, 2004 - 4:55 p.m.

Bit 2.

This was Saturday. It was a big day.

I hauled my pasty arse out of bed at 7:00AM, and then microwaved some freshly handwashed undies to semi-dryness. All bleary, I ran to the hairdresser in the small village near my home.

At the hairdresser, suddenly a lady began hauling make-up onto my face with a spade. She also decided to pluck my eyebrows. This hurt a bit. I wandered around looking like a very stunning baglady for a while, and then some lady who looked like an evil sorceress started sticking pins into my head. This felt a lot like when I was five and I was actually a racing car at the time and I did a stunt over a stack of cushions and lost control and my skull slammed into somebody else's living room wall. What happened that time was my hairclip got lodged into my head and my parents had to yank it out. I remember this vividly. They did not take me to hospital.

Also, the time I broke my nose they did not take me to hospital either. In retrospect, I'm a bit mad about that.

Anyway, this lady stuck many pins into my head. After a while, I had an elaborate hairstyle and a bonus headache.

In a very short time after that, I was wearing a shimmery purple sleeveless gown and a matching sparkly necklace.

I wasn't used to looking so incredibly fantastic. In fact, I felt very uncomfortable about it mentally. Usually I enjoy very much looking like a wild grandfather.

But there were four other females walking around looking fantastic too, so it wasn't so bad.

We hauled our fantastic selves into some decorative cars, and then ended up at a church which we had all agreed to meet at. The first thing I saw at the church was an inappropriately dressed man running up the driveway. This was my father.

Anyway, after getting into the church looking radiant, and after my mother instructed my father to go and wait in the car for half an hour, the next thing I knew was that my best friend, Rosemary Joy, was hitched. It was a happy time. They said silly things and the priest seemed overly friendly with them. I passed around a basket of bread for a while during the ceremony, as you do.

Then came the chore of the day, which was to risk hypothermia at the beach. This was in aid of being photographed. We had to look terribly pleased about the whole thing, which was hard since the wind was actually trying to kill us. The wind almost blew off one of our heads. This wasn't surprising since our heads were weighed down with pins so much.

Then we went to the reception where for the first time ever, I listened to a fucking awesome speech by a father of the bride. It was the most kickarse reception in the history of the galaxy. People I hadn't seen in ages were floating around, and much wine was spilt, partly onto the wedding gown, unfortunately. The waiters kept on getting confused because I kept on looking as if I was going to the men's toilets whereas I was clearly a female. This had something to do with the smoking area being deceptively close to the man toilet. Anyway, it was all relaxing and fun. The only part of me that wasn't relaxed and fun was my skull.

As soon as I got in the car when it was all over, I removed all the pins. There were so many, Roland freaked out.

Then I watched TV.