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(diaryland) January 15, 2003 - 3:10 p.m.

Tomorrow, I am going to my ancestral homeland. This will involve sitting in some kind of winged instrument.

Here are some things my mother told me to keep in mind whilst being in New Zealand.

  • Do not touch the hedgehogs. They will give you amoebic dysentery and you will die a horrible death.

  • Do not bungee jump. You may get detached retinas or your spine could snap or your brain could explode and you will die a horrible death.

  • Look out for evil bikie gangs. Meeting an evil bikie gang may or may not involve dying a horrible death.

  • Pray for good weather when you are on the ferry between the two islands. There might be a hurricane. At best, you will vomit. At worst, you will die a horrible death.

  • When staying at Aunty Gloria's, keep in mind she is a clean freak. If you get one tiny globule of crap on her plastic-covered brand new carpet, you will die a horrible death.

    Apart from all the fatal injuries I might get from going to New Zealand, I think it should be fun.

    The only other thing is that my Aunty Gloria can't understand what I'm saying. I rang her up, and said, "Hi. This is Clare."

    She was all like, "Uh.... who?"

    I said, "You know. Clare. I'm going to be staying with you......."

    She said, "Oh! Kliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaa! How are you?"

    I think I WILL need a New Zealand phrasebook.

    I like being half Kiwi.



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