(diaryland) October 05, 2001 - 9:39 a.m.

Diane�s pearls of wisdom.

a) (Upon giving me her metronome to use while I practice scales) � �You may have to change the speed setting when you use it.�

b) (Upon listening to the song 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins) � �Oh, dear. I�m not used to songs with such recent years being sung about. It�s too weird.�

c) (Upon listening to me very obviously butchering a very very famous Tchaikovsky tune on purpose) � �If you�re playing all the right notes, then your piano is out of tune. I know that song off by heart because I used to listen to it every night on Hooked on Classics before I went to bed.�

d) (Upon me telling her how scared I get running from the car to the front door during a thunderstorm) � �You shouldn�t get so scared. The safest place to be during a storm is in your car.�

Uh-huh. I just said I was scared being OUT OF THE CAR AND RUNNING FRANTICALLY ACROSS THE LAWN.

I cracked the shits at her because she was yelling at the telly during a documentary about lightning, something she�s �an expert on�, that very same night. She claimed to know the cause of lightning, even though the most eminent lightning scientists still don�t exactly know.

I yelled, �DIANE! STOP being such a SMART-ARSE!�

She said, �Well, they�re explaining it bad.� Then she discussed loudly with Roland about how if you�re going to be struck by lightning, it is best to be hit in the arse, trying valiantly to know more than him. Then she disagreed with someone on the telly who had actually been struck by lightning. He was explaining what it felt like when it hit him, but Diane said, �That doesn�t happen!�

Oh, silly me! Here I was thinking the guy who had been struck by lightning might know what it feels like to be struck by lightning! But, no! Silly me! Diane, who has not even been anywhere near mildly grazed by a bolt, knows exactly what it�s like!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRthenItriedtocalmdown. loser.

Diane is an Official Armchair Expert On Everything.