(diaryland) July 31, 2001 - 2:25 p.m.

There�s a person I made friends with on ICQ. He writes me a lot of e-mails, which I don�t answer very often. Here�s why. He writes the same letter every time. This is an embellished reconstruction of any of them:

Subject: Really Really Sad Today

Dear Clare,

I�m going to ask you how uni is even though you have told me eight thousand million times that you are not at uni this year [this is because I am essentially only interested in myself]. Uni for me is bad. I am failing everything and I don�t care whether you say that lots of people fail subjects. I AM A LOSER.

There was a girl I spoke to once briefly on ICQ and I asked her to meet me at the train station but she didn�t turn up. She seemed so nice on ICQ. I don�t understand. I thought we had a good relationship! Why did she stand me up? Why? Why? Why? I AM A LOSER and will never get a girlfriend because I AM A LOSER. Complain complain complain. I must be very ugly. ALL my friends have girlfriends and they talk about them all the time. I don�t know what to do. Help me help me help me!

Goodbye pretty Australian girl. Please write to me soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Guy.

RE: Really Really Sad Today

Dear Guy,

As I have said before I AM NOT AT UNI THIS YEAR. I am WORKING on my YEAR OF WORK EXPERIENCE. But YOU DON�T CARE. You don�t give a shit about what I have to say. However, I will still attempt to be polite at you.

Don�t worry too much about your marks. Just work hard, and you will be fine.

I�m sorry to hear that you are having trouble with girls yet again. The girl who stood you up probably did so because she didn�t know you at all and you probably begged her to meet you when she was reluctant. Dude, you complain about this all the time, but you can�t expect someone you don�t know to suddenly go meet you and go on a date with you. You complain so much that you drive people nuts. You are smart and clever. Focus on the positive. And how can you call yourself a loser if you didn�t even MEET the chick? If she�d actually met you she might like you. But she didn�t. So cut the loser crap. YOU�RE A WINNER. YES, YES YOU ARE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL FIND THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS(tm)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Best wishes, from Clare.

*(not under warranty)

But today, I think I�ll just write this:

RE: Really Really Sad Today

Dear Guy,

How are you? It�s good to hear you are doing really well at uni.

Work is great! I love it. Thanks for asking. I�m designing buildings and even though I am earning peanut substitutes, one day I will be successful and will earn a lot of money. My boss says I am very talented. I will get As at uni next year without even trying.

I am having fun being in my bands. I just joined another band. I am saving up for a Big Muff pedal! I am also practicing piano and violin very hard. I hardly have time to write to you!

I have the most handsomest boyfriend in the world.

Best wishes, from Clare.

God, this dude makes me want to kill things. Every letter ignores the last one I wrote and just goes on and on about how he can�t get chicks and they all sound like I�m supposed to magically help him or something. He simply doesn�t care about other people. I told him that once, nicely, and he said �It makes me sad to hear you say that. You don�t like me, do you?�

DIE!