(diaryland) December 10, 2013 - 12:30 p.m.

I have little lettuce sprouts growing in a pot this morning. God Speed, little buddies.

I had a Saturday night not like any other I've had since I threw up all over somebody else's bathroom in early 2011. But it wasn't me this time doing the stupid stuff, which was great. I stayed this side of wrecked.

It was a university friend who had just got a bum mark for a subject with a ridiculous tutor who was having the 1000 martinis. A couple of bears at the second bar we went to gave her shots and she was mad drunk.

She said to me at this stage, "You know, out of all the people I've met this year... you're definitely in my Top 8."

I pissed my pants laughing (metaphorically), and she said, "No, I really MEAN IT!" Hugs all round.

She must be of the myspace generation. That, or I just wasn't Top 7 material.

She was swaying in the breeze where there was none. I wanted to go home by this stage, because the last train was looming, but it wasn't to be.

We got her up the stairs onto the street, where she promptly met a jazz musician and planted herself in his car.

She's normally so super shy.

Me and the other non-drunk person said, "No, no, here's a taxi!" And she finally got the idea and sprinted to get in. Then we went to a dumb hipster kind of party in Carlton held by a guy with Lemmy facial hair, pink shorts and a HUGE, smooth joint (not a euphemism). The other non-drunk's boyfriend was there. The drunk one, upon meeting him for the first time, IMMEDIATELY cupped his balls. That was OK, apparently, because she was only "40% straight."

I somehow got into trouble for forgetting to smile when I met some guy, so I got pissed off. I don't just smile on command at 1:30AM, bro. I had a glass of water, feeling dry, and it was time to get another taxi.

As we were trying to flag one down, the drunk one shouted, "BYE!!!!!!!!" and then started sprinting across Nicholson Street traffic into the night. It was weird. An hour later, I rang her to see if she was alive, or passed out in someone's backyard, but she was all cozy in bed.

Roland picked me up from a gigantic house with a long-haired dog in it at 3:30AM. I came complete with a bag of Taiwanese snacks.

That's not a euphemism.