(diaryland) October 07, 2010 - 10:26 a.m.

I am usually a master baker or something, but last night, I made the foulest cake. The FOULEST CAKE. Ever. Forget about it. This was it.

We got a new microwave yesterday due to the old one passing away from heart failure in the night. We decided to get Sharp brand because I went on the net to find out what microwaves people liked. We got a kind of special one compared to the last one we had, and it had settings like 'Healthy Meal', and 'Sensor Cook'. So I tried to sensor cook a cake.

I think the wrong thing to do was to put together a cake from a recipe that sounded unappetising. That was probably what sealed the cake's fate more than anything else. It required no eggs, but did require oil, cocoa and vinegar. The mixture had a peculiar sheen to it that you can't usually get in real life. You see it more in CGI.

Then I started to microwave it on high, and then after a minute or two of seeing the sides rise and the middle sink I realised that there was probably some 'Cake' button lying around on the front of the microwave.

Yes, there was, sort of. That button wanted to decide for itself how long to cook the cake for. It didn't give me any input. When there was so much steam inside the microwave I had no idea what was going on, it decided the cake was baked. And then it told me not to touch anything for three minutes.

After that ultra suspensful time was up, I got the large, brown piece of rubber out. It was hard to slice, but would have made a fairly good tyre.

So, maybe I'll go trad again and just bake stuff in ovens with eggs in them. Yeah. I'll just leave the microwave to cook frozen dinners.