(diaryland) December 17, 2008 - 3:48 p.m.

I'm having a day that is so outrageously bad that it's fantastic. I've never had a day like this before. I feel amazing, like I'm a ball of liquid, just about to be spilt, helpless to the tides of fate. In this case, the tides of fate are bureaucracy.

A guy just rang me up and said in a spy voice, "Do not speak about this to anybody." The 'this' that I refer to is a top secret thing I fucked up, royally. I fucked it up so bad, I didn't even know it was there to be fucked up. That's sort of why I fucked it up.

One of the zillions of bad parts is, I already told anybody and everybody about it. The worst thing would be is to tell the builders about it, says the top secret guy, and I already did that. Whoops. That's yet another thing I fucked up that I didn't know was there to fuck up. Jesus.

I laughed about it with my boss for about an hour and we felt crazy. Then I rang up a quantity surveyor and he told me to colour the truth slightly when speaking to the bureaucracy and to have a whisky as soon as possible.

If the Department of Human Services don't kill me in my sleep tonight, I'll let you know tomorrow.

I hope this day never ends, not just because the Department of Human Services is sure to get me in my dreams, Freddy Krueger style. I just like this day. It's like a deformed puppy that makes you feel sorry for it.

Woah - just then I got a phone call that changed everything. I emerge from the ashes of my own stuff up, phoenix-like. Hooray!