Anyway, now that I've newly turned 87, I should finally give you a brief synopsis of my life so far.

Born in Obersalzburg to one Tristan Tzara and a female newspaper clipping, I started learning piano at age 2. I began playing at concert halls throughout most of Europe, but I gave it all up at age 3 to contract influenza. After my nasty bout, I then became a sucessful poet and novelist and married a successful poet and novelist. Unfotunately, my career was tragically cut short by the fact that I killed myself. After this minor setback, I again turned my thoughts to mastering the piano, this time more seriously. In 1830, known as Sigismond Thalberg, I began a lifelong obsession with kicking Franz Liszt's arse. This I did eventually, making him turn to priesthood as solace. No longer with a rival, I got tired of the piano business and turned to directing. As soon as people found out my last name was Renoir, they always started to compare me to my Dad, who wasn't even a director anyway. It started to piss me off, so in 1979 I joined the cast of Dallas and became forevermore known as Joan Collins. I enjoy sewing, buying pianos and then looking at them piercingly. That is all.