(diaryland) 2001-07-24 - 5:59 p.m.

OK. Time for yet another TV gripe.

Every single time without fail that Ben Elton pops up on the telly, Diane says, �I hate Ben Elton. He is a hypocrite.�

I know you hate him, dickwad.

If I don�t stop her quickly, she will tell me AGAIN the very detailed essay-like reason as to why she thinks that. You don�t even want to know.

It�s like when, at my parents� house, and I�m watching one of my most favourite TV shows, my Dad will invariably say, �You don�t really like this show, do you?�

No, of course not, Dad. It is an awful show. That would be why it is one of my favourites.

I�m racking my brains, trying to think of the repulsively annoying prepared answers of this type that I have. Diane has lots of these moments. I�m sure everyone in the world except my Mum has at least one. All I can think of, really, is what I do when someone begins to ask a question and pauses. For example:

You might say, �Did you know that... uh...�

I will say, �Yes.�

Whenever I say that, I think it�s the funniest damn thing ever in the history of the world, no matter how many times I do it. I think, shit Clare, you are the shit. You are top shit. You are comic genius material, dude. You make yourself laugh, and that�s the most important thing, isn�t it? Isn�t it? Shit.

But at least I�m not, well, you know, hating Ben Elton obsessively.

I�ve never met anyone in the world who watches more telly. I�ve also never met anyone else in the world who talks as much as Diane does whilst watching telly. Her telly comments roughly fall into three categories:

a) Saying, �Oh, that�s THAT guy from THAT show� or �I know this� or �Yes, but that guy forgot to say Vesuvius erupted on August the twenty-FOURTH� or other typical know-it-all behaviour.

b) Saying, �God, I hate this show. God, God, God.� Or, �I can�t believe how repulsive this music video is�, often when I�m watching a personal favourite film clip of mine. Or, �The LIQUID detergent is MUCH better than the powdered detergent, you stupid, stupid lady. GOD, I hate advertisments.� You know; just negative comments.

c) Saying something completely unrelated to an interesting program very loudly over the top of it. We are all guilty of this sometimes, but not as much as my chum Diane. �God! Those stupid nit-wits at work haven�t thrown out plan-o-grams for years! How have they managed to survive up until this point with such ridiculous irresponsibility! Ooh, did I just see penguins on the telly?�

Some day, Diane will probably read all this. In case of that emergency, I�d just like to say that she�s actually pretty cool; I just sometimes can�t stand watching telly with her. Anything but telly is fine. Unless she tries to tell me how to cook stuff. But yeah, apart from that as well, she�s fine. Thank God, man, that she�s going to work night shifts for a while. The telly is mine, all mine! And, uh, Roland�s.

If I wasn�t obsessed with being omnipotent myself, I wouldn�t have these problems with equally obsessed Diane. I realise that. Go away, assnuts.